Getting Over Heartache
For some reason, and I do not know why, some of us have been pre-conditioned to believe that we only have one soulmate or one chance at love. You’ll see self-proclaimed relationship experts rant about “rules” or reasons why things never work out. My favorite are the young hotep internet thugs like Tyrese who seem to insist that the reason why you are single is because you aren’t a quality person. So, when you meet someone, and it doesn’t work out, you are left feeling like recycled garbage.
Part of being an adult means being in charge of your life. For a lot of us, we are still figuring certain things out. Out of the three necessities of your adult life, one of the following will always need repair: your career, your housing, or your love life. I do not know one person that has it all and I am convinced that it is impossible. The best scenario for anyone is that you have two of those things in check so that you can focus on the third. If you hate your job or your living situation keeps you up at night, read no further. This post isn’t for you. If you don’t have those things in order I can guarantee you that they have contributed to your failed attempts at having a relationship. I mean, if you’re not solid and whole as a single person, how can you expect to invite someone into your life intimately? But let’s say that you do have a decent job, which, of course, isn’t where you want to be forever, and you have a living arrangement that works for you and you can focus on your love life.
Here is what I have seen that works:
Decide What You Want
As fun as being an indecisive a-hole can be, you really should actually write down EXACTLY what you want. This can change at any point, of course, but write that shit down. Do you want to get married? Do you want to have multiple no-strings attached partners that you have fun with? Do you want to avoid dating for a few months to get over someone, or possibly to hunt for a new job? WRITE IT DOWN. What does this situation look like for you? How does it feel? What are your deal-breakers? How will this new situation improve your life? If you have never given thought to any of this prior to putting yourself on the market, you have already fucked up.
Focus on the Feeling
This is major key. No, seriously. As corny as this sounds you will need to master the art of manifestation and part of that is focusing on how you will feel in this ideal arrangement that you have so thoughtfully crafted for yourself. What does it feel like to have this partner? What does it feel like to take a break from dating to focus on other things? Hopefully, happy but go beyond the words. Sit for a moment a few times a week (if not every day) close your eyes and without talking to yourself, allow yourself to feel the change as if it has already happened.
Suck it up. Get on the apps. Be extra social and try to meet new people. Join a community sports or hobby league. Accept your co-workers’ invitations to go to happy hour. You may not meet anyone special right away but you could very likely become friends with someone who will introduce you to that person. (FYI: this is what happened with me. Weird story. I’ll share later.)
Block the Bullshit
You need to clear your path towards this goal. This means not allowing anyone to clutter your mind with things that will get in your way. Stay away from negative and pessimistic people. If you have a friend who is always complaining about their love life or has nothing nice to say about the subject of dating, limit your time with that person. Misery loves company and the energy you spend with that person might as well be used on yourself. Also, try not to take advice from people who do not know what they are talking about. You wouldn’t want sex tips from a virgin so don’t take dating advice from someone who never goes on dates (or can’t get one), and don’t take relationship advice from anyone who bounces from one person to the next. If you are open to being set up with someone by a friend or colleague, be sure you have a sense of the types of people that person hangs around. A person who hangs around cokeheads every weekend isn’t going to randomly have a special someone who likes to bake on Saturday nights, if that is what you are hoping to find.
If you can’t have fun during this process, then S T O P. Reassess your situation. Go back to that paragraph or two that you wrote out regarding what you were looking for. Did it change? Did you get off track? Did you completely forget your mission? Did you lose interest? All of these things are 100% valid. Starting new chapters, especially when it involves potentially adding people into your life should be, in my opinion, a fun journey and even if it takes you longer than expected to get to that person or that place, you should have funny stories and good memories to share along the way.
Remember: Regardless of how jaded you get, nobody wants to be around a Debbie Downer or a Hopeless Hank. Put effort into all of your “firsts” with a new person, not for them, but for yourself. And be willing to re-evaluate those deal-breakers. If you spend more time swiping left than sliding into those DMs, you are doing it wrong!